Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
