he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
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Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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