is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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