So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
