Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
