You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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