last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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