so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
