I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
