someone threw a dead crab at me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
