I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
