i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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