can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
