I need to stop coming to work sober
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
