me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
