He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
