TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize