i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
