Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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