Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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