Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
