fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
