fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
