there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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