Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
