During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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