I will die if light touches me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
