My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i think i just lost a toe
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
