someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Even my vagina gasped.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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