Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
