we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
