I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
