I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
