Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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