In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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