i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
