Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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