I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
