you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
