Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
