She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
