If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
