you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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