Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
