last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Bring me that man meat
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
