Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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