I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
