just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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