she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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