I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
