Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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