Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
