Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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