I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
